Insights on Abandonment Issues

Lan Shu - Life & Spiritual Coach | Certified
May 28, 2016
5 min read

This does not occur very often - my whole body started shaking uncontrollably. Though my mind and awareness were present, my voices started trembling as a result of the shaking. I had to be very conscious and deliberate to control my speech, so it would become less noticeable or distracting. I did tell my client right away what I was feeling. I knew I was just feeling the pent-up emotions (e.g. anxieties) in my client - it was a clairsentient information.

Lately, I noticed a striking pattern among my existing clients - they are all dealing with "abandonment issues" in one form or the other. The sense of Abandonment arises when a person feel the lack of presence (physical and/or emotional) of his primary figures in life. Our primary figures can be many or a few, can be our birth parents, adopted parents or relatives & friends. It can seriously cause a deep emotional wound within that person.

Insights on Abandonment, Lan Shu Blog, Lan the Rainbow Butterfly, Journal, Abandonment

As we were growing up, we felt deeply connected by birth or choice with our primary caregivers. We let them define who we are, how we should or should not act. We let the way we were treated by them provide us with the real sense of Love, Home or Security. Whether a person is deserted physically or emotionally, the sense of abandonment doesn’t arise overnight. It is more like a plant that was initially a seed, then took root in our soul and grow bigger & stronger.

The “planting period” began the first time we felt the lack of presence from our primary caregivers, whether or not we were cognizant & old enough to perceive it. Initially, it might just be a sense of rejection. We felt that we might be only rejected because of certain things we did or did not perform. As a result, a space of void was created in our being. We began to try our best to “fill” that void. We became more observant to our primary figures’ behaviors and emotions. If they are unhappy, we felt responsible for it and we want to “make” them happy. We wanted to please them, therefore receive our due acknowledgement and approval.

We tried and tried, but the “lack of presence” persisted - the “plant” started to grow. We became anxious every time we are around them (that anxious feeling would later turn into numerous anxiety attacks). We started to feel a sense of denial, not just of our behaviors, but of our entire BEING - our whole reason for existing in this world. We became lost, angry, and depressed. We started to hate ourselves and thought that we didn’t deserve anything. We started to cling on to anything or anybody that would provide us with a slight sense of belonging.

It was a very complicated feeling but we couldn’t become aware of those feelings until later on when those feelings manifest into addictive personalities or other issues in life. When those supposedly “bad” manifestations do happen, we would also receive the denials from others and the society. We would then be taken into a unconscious “downward spiral of events” until we were awakened or hit rock bottom and left with no choice but to die or climb upwards.

In most cases, this sense of abandonment can be consciously perceived during the adult stage if a person was given up for adoption as a child. Being “abandoned” emotionally is a different “animal”, for usually a person might never realize those issues within them. A sense of emotional disconnection from your primary caregivers can feel like the LONGEST distance in the world. You were so close physically yet so far on an emotional and soul level. It is such a torture when your soul is calling out for love and want to penetrate their beings, but all you get is their habitual greetings, words or actions. It is as if you can see them but could never reach them.

We also started to isolate ourselves from the world. We didn’t like to socialize with others; we kept our hearts closed-down so no one else can hurt it any further. What we failed to realize is that when we closed down our hearts, we also kept our hearts from communicating to US. We lost sense of who we are, what we want in life. The dilemma is that when we isolate ourselves, the anxiety attacks would arise in its place. Then we started to search for others … but law of attraction only led us to people who are uncapable of giving emotional and physical support - the very thing we were craving for in the first place. Then we would fall into further depression, anger, and resentment.

If you resonate with everything written above, you are a BRAVE soul! You need to give yourself credits for that! For it is not an easy life path - to be so disconnected from our true identity & eternal essence and to experience that split in our soul!

Understand that NO one can define who you truly are! Your physical life might be provided by your birth parents, but your soul & consciousness exist independent of / despite Life itself!

Understand that you could NEVER lose yourself, for who you truly are is your ESSENCE and your essence is with you every second; is with you through every emotions, every experience in life. It never left you! You just built a “fence” around it so you could not hear it anymore.

Understand that NO one deserted you, they just deserted themselves. They too had a caregiver in life that was not “present”. They had to deal with their own issues in life. Appreciate that at least they were brave enough to bring you into life. When we truly stand in others’ shoes, we start to have real compassion. We will make everything less about “me”, but more about “us”.

For every experience, every trauma, every struggle, every fall is an opportunity to learn, to integrate, and to expand our BEING. Shine Love, Light, and Awareness on your “wounds”, they will HEAL.

Start comforting your soul with some self-LOVE! You have “pleased” enough people, it is time to honor your voice, your desire and your BEING! It is your life and you are the sole CREATOR of your experiences! No one can take that power away from you and do NOT let them!

Love yourself and be present with yourself completely! Forgive yourself unconditionally for the past is gone. Time is an illusion in itself. There is truly no past or future, ALL we have is in the NOW.

Only YOU can decide whether you would dwell on the old land that is filled with mud, predators, shadows and dangers OR create a new land where only Love, Light & Hope exist!

Go smile at the sun, smile at the trees, flowers, and butterflies! Smile at life, for it can be as colorful and wonderful as your heart desires! Take down the fence within yourself and between you and others. Acknowledge, embrace and accept! Everything happens for a reason… This time around you will do something that your primary figures could never do in their life time, for this time you will find and honor your True Self!